


The Words I'll Never Say

by knightinsourarmor



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, F/M, Future Character Death, Gen, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 19:34:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11424714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinsourarmor/pseuds/knightinsourarmor
Summary: Pike goes to find Vax.





	The Words I'll Never Say

Pike goes to find Vax.

She is not sure where to find him, thinking the Raven Queen’s temple, but no. Instead she finds him on a bench near the grove of trees. He is sitting alone, looking lost in thoughts and Pike almost doesn’t approach him. The conversation she had with Sarenrae still buzzed through her entire being. To not just talk with the Goddess but to be invited to see her in the flesh was an experience she found hard to define. She wondered if Vax felt this way every time he got to see the Raven Queen, but no. It was different for him, wasn’t it? The bond he had with her - Pike wasn’t sure if she could compare it to the one she had with Sarenrae. 

He didn’t notice her until she sat down next to him, giving him a quiet, “Hey Stringbean.” He smiled at her.

“Hey Pickle.”

There was something in his expression as he looked at her that was unreadable, unreachable. Something about him always seemed that way and it wasn’t just the height difference between them that could make it that way. Vax always seemed to live his life half in the shadows and now with one foot in the grave. A dark expression had taken over his face and it was like the one she had seen on him before. When things were bad and he was struggling, but she didn’t think it was the same thing now that hung over Vax’ildan. When he had told them of the deal that he had made, it ached Pike in a way that stopped her breath for a moment and she felt like she would collapse. She was tired of losing people, of them leaving, but this was so much worse than last time because Vax wouldn’t be coming back and there was nothing any of them could do to stop that. His time was limited and it hurt Pike in a way that she never wanted, deep and raw and she desperately wish she knew the answer on how to fix this. 

“How are you feeling? Things have been pretty fucking weird lately. You were dust and now you’re not. Or maybe you are. I mean Scanlan still has your ashes.” 

Vax laughed and it was almost humorless in sound. “It is pretty fucking weird isn’t it?” He shrugged as it he didn’t have an answer for her. It seemed they were both answerless right now. How did it feel to know that you made a deal that would end your life when it was all over? Could she have made the same one in his place? Yes, she wanted to say, but there was something there that told her that she’d never really know the truth. Pike didn’t want to be put in that situation. She didn’t want to leave her family behind, but she wouldn’t want to abandoned them even if she lived on borrowed time. So she felt confident in thinking if given the choice of death or one last fight, one last hurrah with Vox Machina, she’d choose to help them one last time. Yet…

“Why did you do it Vax? Why did you agree to the deal? I mean we could have brought you back on our own and then you wouldn’t- Then you’d get to live with us once it was done.” Pike thought of how she didn’t know what to do at the time, the overwhelming fear of not being able to do what she had always done. She always brought them back because that was her power. She thought of Keyleth’s worry and guilt. Wanting to help but not wanting to make things worse. The horrible sound of Vex saying she didn’t have enough diamonds. Vex, who had everything, didn’t have enough to bring her brother back. He couldn’t have known what would happen, but they were trying and-

“I thought I wouldn’t be allowed to return otherwise. She’s… she’s hard to read sometimes. I don’t always get what she wants or what to do, but I thought if I didn’t take the deal I wouldn't be able to come back no matter what.”

Pike nodded. She wasn’t sure if that would have happened, but it was so hard to tell. These things, they had worked for them over and over again. Each time one of them had fallen, they were able to be brought back and it was a goddamn miracle. Had anyone ever witness so many resurrections? Vox Machina often seemed to defy fate in what they could accomplish, but which time would that falter? Where they wouldn’t be able to pull back someone from the beyond? Pike feared that day. Every time she thought about it as she went to perform the ritual, she had to force herself to forget it. To ignore the possibility. To have faith, always have faith, and to believe that they could keep doing the impossible. That something wanted to keep them together until the end. 

Maybe that was the Raven Queen. She had given Vax back after all. Let him have this final chance to fight the biggest threat they had ever known, but it was so exhausting. To lose the ones you loved, over and over again, hands reaching forward, desperate to grasp onto them and pull them back. To keep them. Vax’s time was limited, but so was this mission. They could not linger, could not draw it out. Vecna would not care about their petty feelings, how much they wanted Vax to remain. They had to deal with this soon but that meant losing Vax just as quickly. A double-edged sword and someone was going to end up getting stabbed with it. 

“You’re here now.” It had worked. Vax wasn’t quite right and he wasn’t staying, but he was here. A solid form beside her and in that moment there was something in Pike that wanted to tell him everything. To reach out to him now before it was too late. Fuck, even pull him down into a kiss, but she couldn’t. She would never betray Keyleth like that by doing something so fucking stupid. The words had always sat in her mouth, a heaviest that turned into stone and she had let it be. Because Vax was happy and that was all that mattered. She had missed her chance, but he was happy. She could live with that and move on. 

But right here and now, as he turned to look up to the sky, nodding and agreeing with her statement, she could feel it rushing back. Time was ticking away and there was so much she had never said to him. 

“Do you remember? What it feels like to die? Keyleth said- She said you saw your death before it happened. But you never said if that was true or not.”

“I saw it. I don’t know if I understood what it meant and when I did. Well, it was too late to do anything about it. I couldn’t feel it, of course. I remember what happened, how I died, but it’s still fuzzy. Confusing I guess. I don’t… I don’t think any of us really wants to remember what it was like when we died. It didn’t hurt this time. That I know.”

This time? Had it hurt before? Pike thought about her own death, all that time ago. The first one to fall. It was so strange, being dead. Like a memory of a dream, only there wasn’t really anything inside of that dream. Nothing concrete, only abstract thoughts and feelings. Being alive again, was strange too. It was hard to focus at first, but in time she had moved on from what happened. How did they become a friend to death? No, Vax was more than that now, wasn’t he? And he had been with the Raven Queen this time. How kind must she be, to allow him this chance. It didn’t make Pike any happier with the Goddess than she was, but she had given him back. 

Pike was discovering there was too many questions, too many thoughts, reeling around her mind. She couldn’t get them all out right now and she didn't want to. 

She did reach out, touching Vax’s hand with her own, the only thing she could think of to do. She hadn’t even noticed it though, until Vax pointed it out.

“Hey Pickle. Are you crying?”

She didn’t look at him, but yes, when he asked she realized she had teared up. So many emotions were surfacing and it was hard to keep it all held back. She usually was so good at hiding her feelings, but maybe she had done it for too long. Bottled it up for too long and now she was just having trouble keeping it all inside. But she couldn’t let him know. Couldn’t let him know the truth. She was supposed to be the strong, reliable one. And he was better off not knowing her feelings anyways. She didn’t need to add more complications before his death. 

“I’m just thinking. When you’re join who’s going to make fun buns with me?”

Vax grabbed her hand, holding it tightly in his own as he watched Pike try not to cry. She hadn’t come here for this, not even sure anymore why she wanted to find Vax, but now that she was here, all she could do was try and hold herself together.

“I can teach Grog how to do it. Or maybe Keyleth would be better. Vex helped me all the time when we were kids with my hair, so I’m sure she will be able to help. You don’t need me.”

You don’t need me. How wrong he was about that. She did need him. They all did. His death would be a solemn dark note in a symphony of victory. 

Pike wiped at her nose, sniffling as she shook her head. Eyes slightly red, she finally looked back at Vax to see him smile down at her. It was the kind of smile that broke her heart and she wished she had the courage to tell him. Like Vax had all that time ago in Whitestone. Like Vex did during Percy’s resurrection. Why did death and pain bring out these things, force the words you kept locked away, coming out of you like a flood that would knock down everything in it’s way. 

But she didn’t. And he didn’t say anything else. They just sat there, holding hands, trying not to think of the future Vax’ildan wouldn’t have until they agreed the others would be looking for them if they didn’t return. 

Maybe she’d tell him before he died. Before it was too late. But Pike knew that, at least, she’d cherish the time they had left.

**Author's Note:**

> I am emotional over what the birdboy has done. I wanted to write something angsty with Pike'ildan and maybe I'll expand more on it another time. But I think what I wrote now is good. 
> 
> Maybe Vax isn't THE crush, but my Pike'ildan shipper heart says he is A crush and you can pry this from my cold dead hands.


End file.
